Why Americans Should Give a Damn About the World Cup

If you read this website, you like politics. If you like politics, you can like the World Cup.

How political is the World Cup? Well, as you know, the North Koreans recently sunk a South Korean ship. The consequences? North Koreans won’t be able to watch their national team play in the World Cup, since South Korea won’t be providing the country with free World Cup coverage as they did in 2006. South Korea wants North Korea to pay for coverage. North Korea is either too poor or too stubborn (or both) to pay for World Cup coverage. So yeah, the World Cup is pretty political.

Indeed, it is precisely this politicization that makes the World Cup such a fabulous event. For one month every four years, countries unite behind a group of 23 (11 on the field) highly paid primadonnas and cheer like hell for them to beat the hell out of their geopolitical friends and foes alike. It is often said that soccer is war by other means, and it truly is in ways unlike any other sport. While the Olympics offers us a chance to cheer for our athletes in a host of mostly obscure events, every country wins some and loses some. The World Cup is not like that. The World Cup is one sport, and it is the world’s sport. No one really cares whether their country wins the luge and honestly, who gives a sh– who wins curling (oh wait, sorry Canada). The World Cup is different. World Cup outcomes literally cause riots. If South Africa wins, there will probably be riots. If Mexico loses, there may be riots and a large influx of disgruntled, angry Mexicans coming to the United States in search of a new soccer team.

Writing in the Wall Street Journal, Gerard Baker reveals how England views Saturday afternoon’s group game against the United States as an opportunity to excise some demons. Gerard observes that England’s past sporting success does not make the game any less important.

It doesn’t take into account the hefty defeat of 1776 (an early showing for the Tea Party crowd); the late winner the U.S. scored in 1781; the thumping victory on away soil the English achieved in 1812; the repeated own goals in 1956—when the U.S. managed to beat England, France and Israel, all together; or that very long game that lasted from the late 19th to the early 20th century and which resulted—after overtime and penalty kicks—in England finally ceding its crown as Political, Economic and Military World Champions to the ill-bred upstarts from across the Atlantic.

The English are, writes Baker “a proud people with a recent history that is somewhat at odds with their historical self-image” and for these reasons, the world’s game has outsized importance.

If you don’t often watch soccer, it won’t take you long to figure out what’s what. The German’s are tough, strong, defensive: formidable and determined. The Brazilians play beautiful but often inefficient football. The Mexicans whine. The Argentines are managed by the second-best footballer of all time who has since battled a cocaine addiction and has promised to run through the streets of Buenos Aires completely naked if the Argentines win. The Italians are all pretty boys who somehow find a way to win. The Spanish are just annoying. The French cheat. The Algerians will be pesky insurgents that just might bring down a superpower (the United States). No one knows anything about the North Koreans (seriously, read their coach’s bio page). And the United States is hopelessly naïve and as a result, capable of anything.

The beauty of the World Cup is that no matter who you are, you can find a team to root for and you can find a reason to be about country, if only for a while. If you are a liberal that is self-conscious of America’s power, you can cheer for the Yanks guilt-free since America is certainly not a soccer power. If you are an obnoxiously patriotic chest thumper, you can cheer for the Yanks because if the United States wins, Europeans will hate us even more than they already do.

When the United States loses, you can cheer against the French and against the Spaniards, and the Italians… and on ….and on… If you like sport, if you like politics, if you like America, if you hate Spaniards, love Algerians, etc., there is a team for you in this tournament.  If you love totalitarianism, go the North Korean route.  If you are an insurgent, Algeria can be your team. If you are a bandwagon-hopping frontrunner, you can cheer for Brazil. If you have a soul, you will cheer for South Africa (I don’t).

If you like drinking, the World Cup gives you an excuse to day-drink. If you hate work, World Cup gives you a reason to skip. I could go on and on.

But just watch: because the World Cup actually matters.