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If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this mornin’ . . .”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes – sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.” 
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch . . . ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues; they ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg ’cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 
10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom’s b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. 
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you’re older than dirt b. you’re blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can’t be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee 
The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling 
18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”) 
21. I don’t care how tragic your life is: “You gotta pay yer dues if yer gonna sing the Blues.” 
- Bluesman Chas (Charter Member of Team STORMBRINGER) contributed this ingenious piece; artwork by the immortal R. Crumb.
Originally posted at STORMBRINGER.
dendup // Feb 23, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Too many rules Sean, too many rules
If it’s got the feeling, it’s got the feeling.
Ain’t no buying it, ain’t no stealing it.
If it’s the blues Sean, it’s the blues.
DFL // Feb 23, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Did you take that from the bathroom wall at a Red, Hot and Blue restaurant? The Annapolis Red, Hot and Blue has those rules just above one of the urinals in the men’s room.
dendup // Feb 23, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Actually, these have been around for at least 40 years (hence the “stealing” in my doggerel). Sean, what’s the point to this
Sean Linnane // Feb 23, 2010 at 7:52 pm
I didn’t claim to have created this – and I called that out right at the end. In fact, if you go to Blog STORMBRINGER
http://seanlinnane.blogspot.com/
you’ll see my disclaimer at the bottom of this piece.
My point? David Frum once expressed surprise that I’m a fan of the Blues; so I presented this piece of philosophy to help him explore this unique American cultural phenomena . . . Dave liked it, and he posted it.
Why you so uptight?
dendup // Feb 23, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Actually you said at the end that it was “originally” posted on your blog. There, yes you attribute it to ” Anonymous Blues Dog” – why not here too?
It sounds from your reply that it was just carelessness. Maybe you can write a blues about all this – I know you can call it “Nobody Loves Me But My Mother”. Oh wait, that’s already been done. (Just jiving Sean)
Sean Linnane // Feb 23, 2010 at 8:51 pm
Why you bustin’ my balls?
You must be some kind of jive-ass turkey lawyer . . . shee-it . . .
JeninCT // Feb 23, 2010 at 10:19 pm
This was a really fun post, however, there is only one simple rule about the blues and I learned from David Bromberg: You’ve got to suffer if you want to sing the blues.
DFL // Feb 24, 2010 at 8:58 am
Sean, I wonder if you like the British group The Yardbirds, which originated as a blues group with a young guitarist named Eric Clapton and an asthmatic singer named Keith Relf?
franco 2 // Feb 24, 2010 at 9:22 am
Sean forgot to add #22 if you write for Frum Forum, you aren’t qualified to even comment on the blues, but don’t let that stop ya.
dendup // Feb 24, 2010 at 6:56 pm
franco 2 opens the can of worms!
Muddy Waters said that white people are able to play the blues, but not sing them.
Amiri Baraka says that white people doing either is the “Great Music Robbery”.
http://www.bluesworld.com/WHITEBLUES.html has a good discussion of the whole thing, although he never specifically addresses republicans and the blues.
Sean Linnane // Feb 24, 2010 at 8:47 pm
Of course I know who the freakin’ Yardbirds are – they had this talented guitar player name of Jimmie Page; whatever happened to him?
DFL // Feb 25, 2010 at 8:37 am
Page was great. Jeff Beck was better.
dendup // Feb 25, 2010 at 10:00 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNj2BXW852g
Jamie // Feb 25, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Beck was pretty good. Too bad he seems to love vintage cars more than music now. He still puts out an album every few years or so. They are different (more of a electronic sound) but he does some interesting things with his guitar. Beck’s 1st two solo albums (with a young Rod Stewart) are excellent. It’s pretty obvious that Jimmy Page borrowed a lot from the Jeff Beck Group’s style when creating Zeppelin’s early work.
I believe Jimmy Page is up to stuff. He just put out a documentary featuring The Edge and Jack White and I have a feeling he’s going to be performing at the London 2012 Olympics. Add to that that Zeppelin reunion rumors never really seem to go away… there is always hope.
As for the Yardbirds, they were great primarily as the vehicle for 3 of the greatest players (in their youth) to work on their craft… but otherwise largely forgettable. Though their versions of Dazed and Confused, Train Kept a Rollin’, and Shape of Things are still stand up pretty well today.
Buddy Guy still tours and he’s on the top of my list to see live, but as a man in his mid-20s, it’s somewhat difficult for me to find someone to check out his shows with me when he’s in town. Next time for sure though, regardless of the circumstances!