‘Galatea’ is a columnist writing about her experience looking for work after her recent downsizing. Previous entries in her series can be read here.
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Were you aware that there is at least one (1) conservative-ish person who is a fan of Romneycare? Hint: it’s me.
I know! My mom is a resident of Massachusetts and gets all your free health care money! Awesome, right?
But seriously, I really hope that the fact that I like you makes you feel a little better about that terrible mistake in your past. Honestly, in this election, Romneycare is your tramp stamp. You decided to ink it when you were young and insecure and thought it would get all the boys to like you. Eight years later it’s sagging, and really unattractive, and you’re now dating compulsively because you want to be in a committed relationship. But when your dates see it, all they think is, “Wow. You’re a sluuuuuuuut.”
Oh, Mitt, don’t cry! I didn’t mean to call you a slut! Look, the mistakes you made? That three way you had with Jonathan Gruber and Sal DiMasi where you conceived expanded in-state Medicare coverage? That’s all in the past now. You don’t have to care about what Rick Perry and Grover Norquist and those horrible boys on the Wall Street Journal’s editorial page say about you! In the long run, do their opinions matter?
…Ok, they kind of do.
But the point is! I love you now, because I’m a libertarian! I get you. I mean, at a Constitutional level, Obamacare’s federally-enforced individual mandate destroys Congress’s limitations on regulating interstate commerce since it regulates economic inactivity. Furthermore, even if it were constitutional, AHCA is not a necessary and proper means for Congress to expand its police powers (which the Court has in the past expressly forbade them from doing)!
Also, you’re pretty cute. I’d let you Wickard my Fillburn any time.
God, did I offend you? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make you do anything you’re not comfortable with. So let’s scratch off the Lopez three-prong test.
And you know what? People like you regardless of what you’ve done! Lots of young people out there are really happy with the precedent you set for Obamacare. A recent Georgetown study found that the number of uninsured children sank by 14% over the past three years even through an economic recession, thanks largely to the Affordable Health Care Act.
Yes, yes, I know that it’s an Obamacare accomplishment, and god knows you don’t want to be associated with those people again. But saying that you’re providing an insurance safety net for people in my situation is a much better youth outreach point than your other strategies, like pretending to be black.
Don’t you feel better, knowing that you don’t have to half-heartedly condemn one of your largest gubernatorial accomplishments to at least one person? (ME!) Especially when that person’s mother recently moved to Massachusetts and suddenly has a generous employer-funded family plan that, in a precedent set by you but expanded under Obamacare, allows her children to be covered until the age of 27?
Don’t listen to the haters out there, babe. You’re a strong, empowered, fierce GOP candidate, and you can do anything you want. So trust me. Because I believe in you, and I want you to feel good when you give me free healthcare.
Me? A lazy, selfish, opportunistic, unemployed youth who’s feeding off her parents? Aw, shucks. You shouldn’t have. Anyways, that was the best free health care I’ve ever received. I can stay here for a bit, but afterwards I’ve gotta go contract chlamydia, drink some crack, and get diabetes.
PS: I love you.
Send me your emails to gala.tea.jones[at]gmail.com