How the Military Deals with Snakes

Differential Theory of U.S. Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon Encountering a Snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. “Straight-Leg”: Sees snake, runs screaming from the area.

2. Airborne Infantry: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Ranger: Sees snake, picks up snake and plays with it.  Snake bites Ranger.  Ranger calls in AC130 Spectre gunship fire mission on snake; kills snake and every other living thing within 100 meters of the target.

4. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

5. Air Force Para-Rescue: Wounds snake in initial encounter (accidentally, of course), then works feverishly to save snake’s life.

6. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.  Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

7. U.S. Army Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, then ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement and establishes rapport with snake; wins its heart and mind. Trains snake to go out, find other snakes, and kill them.  Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Originally posted at STORMBRINGER.