GOP Zombies vs. Dem Vampires

December 9th, 2011 at 12:00 am | 32 Comments |

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A statistical study indicates that our pop culture churns out more vampire-related entertainment under Democratic administrations and more zombie stories under Republicans. The implication of the research is that those icons act as archetypes for each party.

Naturally, shop as a Republican I’m suspicious of “scientists” and the conclusions they draw from their so-called “research.” To determine whether these horror themes make sense as symbols of our political parties I think we should, cheap as always, ailment rely on a test of the gut level truthiness of those assumptions.

Are vampires a good metaphor for Democrats? Vampires aren’t all that interested in family life. You won’t find many in the suburbs. They’re worldly, well-spoken, and always have a lot of nice stuff, but none them seem to have a job. They seldom join the military. Their church attendance is erratic at best and they are extremely uncomfortable with expressions of faith. They tend to carry a metrosexual vibe; you don’t run into a lot of burly, flannel-wearing vampires.

Vampires can’t stand to see their own image accurately reflected and can’t cooperate with each other in more than a superficial way. And of course, they survive by draining the lifeblood from other creatures.

Hmmm…I don’t know.

On the other hand, do zombies represent a persuasive symbol for Republicans? Zombies clump together in groups. They work very hard, but they don’t seem to know why. The drooling undead are single-minded, absolutely determined, and extremely volatile. None of them are vegetarians. They are unreasonable and make lousy listeners. They have no apparent sex life, but you never seem to run out of them. They are dead inside and don’t know it.

Zombies are gullible and easy to outwit, but won’t ever stop attacking and never seem to be entirely defeated. Oh, and they want to eat your brain.

No, that comparison doesn’t really fit either.

These shabby attempts to tie political significance to cultural trends are generally a waste of time and this one is no exception. Granted, any sensible person would leave their wallet and other valuables at home before attending an Occupy Wall Street demonstration. You wouldn’t wander into a crowd of those folks looking like you had something someone else could use. But, vampires?

And sure, the last thing you’d want to flash at a Tea Party Rally is a big, fat, juicy brain. Listening to those bizarre lectures on the 10th Amendment can make you pray for someone to scoop your brainpan clean, but that doesn’t mean it will happen. At least, probably not.

Does the research prove that zombies and vampires are archetypes of the two parties? The suggestion is as ridiculous as “Global Warming.”

Recent Posts by Chris Ladd

32 Comments so far ↓

  • dittbub

    As a vampire I don’t believe in coincidences.

  • crzymke

    I think you’ve got it backwards. The monsters are going to be representative of the villains/opposition party.

    Zombies are the slow trudging masses demanding to be sustained on the brains of fittest/most resourceful survivors. Is there a better analogy for fear of social welfare?

    Vampires are nothing but privileged old-money types who survive by hypnotizing and sucking the blood of the innocent working class. Powerful, greedy individuals who want to live forever by stealing the strength of the many? Could it be more bourgeois?

  • ConnerMcMaub

    Rachel Maddow is a vampire. Here’s proof:

  • Graychin

    Generalizations are rarely if ever accurate, even in satire, but we can get down to particulars if you will just broaden your pop-culture horizons.

    Mitt Romney is obviously an android like Data on Star Trek TNG – but without the admirable human qualities that Data developed little by little.

    Newt Gingrich is a character based on Lex Luthor, Superman’s perennial opponent. Everyone despises him, but we just can’t seem to get rid of him. He has the excellent survival skills of a rat.

    Rick Perry? Classic zombie. ‘Nuff said.

    Huntsman and Santorum both have that characteristic vampire creepiness. I don’t think I’ve ever seen either one of them in the daylight.

    Paul and Bachmann? I haven’t seen anything like either of them since the old Marx Brothers movies.

    Herman Cain and Donald Trump? The Japanese monster Godzilla, so impressed with his own size and power that he can’t see that everyone in the theater is laughing at him.

    And finally, Barack Obama – an undocumented alien, just like Clark Kent.

  • AnBr

    There is a difference between the politicians and the base. The Republican base are the zombies lurching along to the mesmeric drivel of Faux News/Limbaugh and the Republican politicians are the vampires sucking the life blood from the middle class.

    And finally, Barack Obama – an undocumented alien, just like Clark Kent.

    Nailed it.

    • Ogemaniac

      I disagree, AnBr. I believe David Frum when he says that the plutocrats which run the Republican party have for quite some time been completely infused with the party Kool-Aid, and actually believe what their pets are spewing. They watch Fox News just like the rest of the right. Apparently, they are no longer vampires, but ZOMBIE VAMPIRES, which try to suck their own blood but come up dry.

  • medinnus

    …damn RINO lycanthropes…

  • rbottoms

    When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn’t know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression. Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.

    - General Zod
    Your Future President and Eternal Ruler

  • indy

    C’mon, these are the best pictures you could come up with? The zombie looks like an accountant who had a run in with a cherry coke at the mall on the way home from work.

  • tihsymtae

    Worthless article.

  • CautiousProgressive

    Bravo Ladd. This brightened my day. I also suspect that (like most quality humor) it hits on more truth than any of us would like to admit.

    On zombies: they are an apocalyptic symbol, representing the conservative fear of where our society is going. (this contrasts with the liberal goal of shoving society there faster)

  • TJ Parker

    “Zombies are gullible and easy to outwit, but won’t ever stop attacking and never seem to be entirely defeated. Oh, and they want to eat your brain.

    “No, that comparison doesn’t really fit either.”

    Fits very well! Although we should clarify that they don’t eat brains simply for sustenance, but also with the explicit goal of converting them to excrement.

  • ottovbvs

    It’s not Republican zombie persons…but Republican zombie policies!!

  • sweatyb

    But the study misses the obvious cause for the correlation! It’s based on two unassailable facts:

    First, it is more expensive to make a vampire movie than a zombie movie. As your picture shows, makeup for vampires is way harder than makeup for zombies. Also, zombies don’t turn into bats or smoke or shoot lasers out of their eyes like Vampires (and Nancy Pelosi)

    Second, Hollywood is chock full of liberals.

    Therefore, when we have a Democratic President, the liberals in Hollywood are more optimistic and therefore more willing to spend the extra money required to make a vampire movie.

    With a Republican President, the liberals are too scared to invest in makeup and CGI and instead make movies that can be shot on the back lot and stuffed full of shambling extras wearing rags.

  • Diomedes

    If this is true, it’s bad news for the GOP.

    Deadliest Warrior already tested this contest. And the vampires won. :-)

  • jakester

    I don’t know where they got this data about zombie films being a GOP inspired phenomena. Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Romero’s last two lame zombie flicks all came out with Democratic presidents in office. We had Zombieland, The Walking Dead and even some network zombie sitcom recently come out.

  • valkayec

    Mr. Ladd, you realize, of course, that this article is complete waste of space and absurdly silly beyond imagining.

  • think4yourself

    Next comparison with Alien VS Predator.

    The GOP thinks they are Predator, the mighty hunter destroying the Alien on Earth; woe betide them when they bring their vanquished hero’s remains back with them into space.

  • Nanotek

    “The suggestion is as ridiculous as ‘Global Warming.’”

    brilliant … Q.E.D. Republicans are, indeed, brain-dead

    the most succinct work since Hemingway’s famous 6-word story: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

  • jakester

    What about a Zombie vs Vampires knockoff? or vampires vs zombies?

    • margoharris1

      My six year old grandson plays a video game called Plants vs Zombies. Oh the humanity!